Sunday, August 6, 2017

It's ok to be pissed off sometimes

I am going to come out and say it. I am pissed off! I have been on the struggle train for over a year now. Sense I hurt my ankle last August. I am sick and tired of constantly failing!

Sprained ankle made me miss Ragnar Cascades (2016)
Car accident made me miss pacing the Seattle Marathon and Deception Pass 50k (2016)
Working way too much at Amazon made me miss Gorge Waterfall 50k (2017)
4 day stomach flu made me DNF at Sun Mountain 50k (2017)
3 day Migraine made me drop from pacing the Seattle Rock N Roll Marathon (2017)
Now this, smoky conditions made me unable to breathe and had to DNF at White River 50. (2017)

Every time something bad has happened or something has gone wrong I just keep saying "it's good training" for my 100 miler. But, you know what? I am mad and tired at failing at something I really love.

Between not having enough $$ to buy the gear that I need for my 100 miler (I need lots of stuff, from a new pack and trekking poles to new shoes and night running gear). I am not sure if it's a good idea to move forward with the race. It breaks my heart but I don't have that kind of money laying around to spend on a race. I didn't realize almost a year ago when I decided to do this how much ultra running actually costs.

I LOVE trail running but the maybe the stress of racing isn't for me.

The things that I love about trail running I don't get to enjoy in races because I am too slow of a runner. I don't get to stop and take photos, enjoy trail food because I have to shove it down while moving forward, I don't get to chat with people when I want to because I don't have time to. I am a pretty great trail runner, in my opinion, when I am not being judged for being slow and can run and run and run when there are no time limits.

I have been taking all of my fails in stride until this weekend. I was so well trained, so ready to go for my first mountain 50 miler. I ran 27.5 miles before stopping and I am not even the tiniest bit sore. Which is great but that's what is making me so mad. I was so ready for this one but I have never run in smoke before. I was running the last 11 miles of those 27.5 miles with knots in my chest and it felt like someone was strangling my right lung. My trachea is the only thing sore today from working to hard to put oxygen in my body. I want to go out and run again today for another 20 miles, that's how good I feel but can't because the smoke is still hanging around.

I love you trail running but why don't you love me back??
This is a photo of the smoke when it wasn't as heavy...